It’s 4 weeks since my mum died. And I’m still trying to be strong, and it’s not as easy as it was. I’ve broke down twice, and pretty much cried on and off all day. The first time it became too much, (my mum was dead almost 3 weeks), my partner was relieved, he was scared that I was still fighting the loss and locking my feelings away.
It’s hard for me to give in to the grief and go with it. It’s less painful too lock it away and act like I’m ok. When I finally broke down, it was because of something on TV. It was so unexpected that I had no hope in hell of reining it in. The pain, it was so bad I truly thought it would kill me. It was twisting of my very soul and I felt as though it would never stop. On and on it went, pulling tighter on my heart, and I could literally feel part of my heart and soul splinter off.
I miss her so much I wonder how will I survive the years to come without her. But I will. She’s gone but she’ll never be forgotten. She lives on through my dad, my sister and myself, her 6 grandsons, her great grandaughter and great grandson and the lifes that will follow.
And my life continues. I will remember my mum with the good, the bad and the ugly memories. I will concentrate on the life she lived not the slow agonising time of her illness, or how she looked in the last 12 hours of her life. I will think of the first time she became a gran, and the joy my first born son brought to her and my dad. How happy she was with each new grandson that came along. And how joyous she was when the first little girl, her great grandaughter came along.
There are many memories to cherish and remember. Her death was the cumulation of the years lived before. Her passing is but that one second between life and death. Being here and then gone. And thats not a memory worth dwelling on.
RIP Ma xx