Posted in Grief, happiness, hurt, love, mother, Uncategorized

2018 and the pain

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And so it’s almost 2018.  Just over a hour to go and it’ll be the 2nd one without you.

It’s been 1 year 10 days since you left.  And I hurt.  I think of you everyday.

And people don’t seem to get it.  “It’s been a year”.  They expect me to be over it.  And that makes it hurt more.  They expect me to be over it because they don’t know how to handle it.  Well heres’ what.  Rest your hand on my shoulder and give me a squeeze.  Give me a cuddle.  Offer me a tissue.  I don’t need words.  I need acknowledgement that no matter how much time passes I can miss her.  That I can sit and cry.  Because I’m being tied in knots by others inability to understand that before 21st December 2016 SHE lived.  That just because she died it doesn’t mean she didn’t exist

I LOST MY MUM DAMMIT.  And it hurts.  And I try to pretend I don’t, because it’s easier for others.  And I’ve had enough.  I no longer care if it makes others uncomfortable.  Big deal.  If you don’t like it, then turn around and walk away.  No longer will I grieve for my Mum in secret.  Like it’s something dirty to be hidden away.

I MISS MY MUM.  I CRY FOR MY MUM.  I ACHE FOR MY MUM.  A piece of my soul died that day.  But guess what.  I have my memories.  I have my photos.  And forever, she will live in me.  And when my time comes, my mum and I will live through my sons and grandchildren.  Through all eternity.

I miss you old lady xx

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Posted in Grief, happiness, home, hurt, love, mother, Uncategorized

The Year is Almost Over

Its been a different kind of year. The good, the bad and the ugly. My dad went through many firsts. First Valentines Day, mums birthday, anniversary, his birthday, all without my mum. And today I know he’s in pain. This time last year he had to have my mum admitted to Hospice and its when he realised she was never coming home.

The woman he’d loved, adored, cherished for 55 years was never going to be his Ellen again. The woman admitted to Hospice was but a shell of her. When I saw my mum the day before she died, when I looked into her eyes, eyes that had always looked back at me full of love, were empty. My mum had already left, her body hadn’t caught up.

So, today is a bad day for my dad. He’s in so much pain and heartbreak, that I weep for what he’s feeling. Knowing I can do nothing to help him.

And because I know the firsts are hard for him, I went to stay with him at the time of their anniversary. And for Christmas I bought him a plane ticket to come and spend Christmas with us. That way he won’t be alone on the 21st, which is the first anniversary of her death.

On the good side, my oldest son got married. Not only did I gain a daughter-in-law, but also 2 step-grandsons and a step-grandaughter. And they’re all spending Christmas day with us. Nice for my dad as he hasn’t met his grandsons family.

Also, my youngest boy flew home from the UK for 3 weeks. Which was AWESOME. We did the drive to Cape Town, well, Gordons Bay (think of the Talking Heads song “Road to Nowhere}, the Karoo section takes forever. And we stayed with my dad. Which he loved. Although I think my dad may now be banned from some shops and malls. When members of my family get together we turn into 3 year olds who’ve escaped from an insane asylum.

My 2nd son and his Italian girlfriend decided to live together. Which if you knew this son, you’d realise that this is a massive step.

And last, but not least, my 3rd son has his daughter this Christmas. I wanted to fly them here for Christmas too, but unfortunately someone has to remain on the farm over December, and its his year.

And the ugly. Thats one of those dark secrets that you hope like hell doesn’t slip out. 4 of us know it, and if the rest of my family found out about it, a lot of damage would be done, and I’d be caught in the middle.

And so, this year is almost done. Another year nearly over. Where does the time go?

To all of you out there, have a wonderful December. Remember to tell those you love that you love them, for life is too short not to.

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