Posted in Grief, happiness, home, hurt, love, mother, Uncategorized

The Year is Almost Over

Its been a different kind of year. The good, the bad and the ugly. My dad went through many firsts. First Valentines Day, mums birthday, anniversary, his birthday, all without my mum. And today I know he’s in pain. This time last year he had to have my mum admitted to Hospice and its when he realised she was never coming home.

The woman he’d loved, adored, cherished for 55 years was never going to be his Ellen again. The woman admitted to Hospice was but a shell of her. When I saw my mum the day before she died, when I looked into her eyes, eyes that had always looked back at me full of love, were empty. My mum had already left, her body hadn’t caught up.

So, today is a bad day for my dad. He’s in so much pain and heartbreak, that I weep for what he’s feeling. Knowing I can do nothing to help him.

And because I know the firsts are hard for him, I went to stay with him at the time of their anniversary. And for Christmas I bought him a plane ticket to come and spend Christmas with us. That way he won’t be alone on the 21st, which is the first anniversary of her death.

On the good side, my oldest son got married. Not only did I gain a daughter-in-law, but also 2 step-grandsons and a step-grandaughter. And they’re all spending Christmas day with us. Nice for my dad as he hasn’t met his grandsons family.

Also, my youngest boy flew home from the UK for 3 weeks. Which was AWESOME. We did the drive to Cape Town, well, Gordons Bay (think of the Talking Heads song “Road to Nowhere}, the Karoo section takes forever. And we stayed with my dad. Which he loved. Although I think my dad may now be banned from some shops and malls. When members of my family get together we turn into 3 year olds who’ve escaped from an insane asylum.

My 2nd son and his Italian girlfriend decided to live together. Which if you knew this son, you’d realise that this is a massive step.

And last, but not least, my 3rd son has his daughter this Christmas. I wanted to fly them here for Christmas too, but unfortunately someone has to remain on the farm over December, and its his year.

And the ugly. Thats one of those dark secrets that you hope like hell doesn’t slip out. 4 of us know it, and if the rest of my family found out about it, a lot of damage would be done, and I’d be caught in the middle.

And so, this year is almost done. Another year nearly over. Where does the time go?

To all of you out there, have a wonderful December. Remember to tell those you love that you love them, for life is too short not to.

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Posted in happiness, love, mother, Uncategorized

Happiness

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This Friday I’m flying down to be with my dad.  The Wednesday after that would’ve been my folks 54th wedding anniversary, and I don’t want my dad being alone for that first.

Meanwhile, I’m learning lessons from my mums passing.  Not to take anyone for granted.  To never let my sons forget how unconditionally I love them.  And to appreciate my partner more, and to tell him that.  ‘M’ has been myrock, my safe place, through everything.  This will be my 4th trip to Cape Town in less than a year , and not once did he question whether it was necessary for me to go.  All he ever had to say was as much as he needed me, my parents needed me more.

Live is for living.  There is no second chance.  Embrace those you love,  dance in the rain, sing even if you’re tone deaf (as my ever-suffering partner has discovered about me).

And work on happiness.  The sound of a bird,  a childs’ laughter,  dogs barking, freshly baked bread, a hot cup of coffee, a flower blooming.  Happiness comes in many forms.  Stop what you’re doing,  keep still,  feel and hear the world around you.

And, sometimes, when all is still, I hear my mum whispering.  And my soul smiles, that she’s never really left, she’s always there, in my memories.  That even in sorrow and grief, it’s okay to feel joy and be happy.

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