Posted in Grief, happiness, home, hurt, love, mother, Uncategorized

The Year is Almost Over

Its been a different kind of year. The good, the bad and the ugly. My dad went through many firsts. First Valentines Day, mums birthday, anniversary, his birthday, all without my mum. And today I know he’s in pain. This time last year he had to have my mum admitted to Hospice and its when he realised she was never coming home.

The woman he’d loved, adored, cherished for 55 years was never going to be his Ellen again. The woman admitted to Hospice was but a shell of her. When I saw my mum the day before she died, when I looked into her eyes, eyes that had always looked back at me full of love, were empty. My mum had already left, her body hadn’t caught up.

So, today is a bad day for my dad. He’s in so much pain and heartbreak, that I weep for what he’s feeling. Knowing I can do nothing to help him.

And because I know the firsts are hard for him, I went to stay with him at the time of their anniversary. And for Christmas I bought him a plane ticket to come and spend Christmas with us. That way he won’t be alone on the 21st, which is the first anniversary of her death.

On the good side, my oldest son got married. Not only did I gain a daughter-in-law, but also 2 step-grandsons and a step-grandaughter. And they’re all spending Christmas day with us. Nice for my dad as he hasn’t met his grandsons family.

Also, my youngest boy flew home from the UK for 3 weeks. Which was AWESOME. We did the drive to Cape Town, well, Gordons Bay (think of the Talking Heads song “Road to Nowhere}, the Karoo section takes forever. And we stayed with my dad. Which he loved. Although I think my dad may now be banned from some shops and malls. When members of my family get together we turn into 3 year olds who’ve escaped from an insane asylum.

My 2nd son and his Italian girlfriend decided to live together. Which if you knew this son, you’d realise that this is a massive step.

And last, but not least, my 3rd son has his daughter this Christmas. I wanted to fly them here for Christmas too, but unfortunately someone has to remain on the farm over December, and its his year.

And the ugly. Thats one of those dark secrets that you hope like hell doesn’t slip out. 4 of us know it, and if the rest of my family found out about it, a lot of damage would be done, and I’d be caught in the middle.

And so, this year is almost done. Another year nearly over. Where does the time go?

To all of you out there, have a wonderful December. Remember to tell those you love that you love them, for life is too short not to.

abc

Advertisements
Posted in cancer, home, illness, love, mother

My Mum

 

So in May this year my mum started to get ill.  At first we thought it was IBS (Irritable bowel syndrome).  One night my dad went to his stamp club and got a phone call on the way there.  It was my mum, she told him she was in unbelievable pain (we’re a family that will be in terrible pain before we complain)  My dad shot home and had to take her to emergency.  She ended up on morphine as nothing else would dull the pain.  Meanwhile they discovered a mass in her stomach area.  Long story short, after numerous testing, she has colon cancer.

Fast forward.    She went for an operation to remove the mass.  It seemed to help.  She had almost no pain.  Alas it didn’t last long.  The biopsy showed that the cancer had spread to her liver and lungs.  In the last couple of months she has lost almost 30 kilograms (she was 77kg, now shes 47kg).  This is because she barely eats.  Shes in so much pain, that even the morphine barely helps.  All she does is sleep.

My heart is in pieces.  I can’t imagine a world without my mum.  Even though over the years we’ve had huge fights or gone months without speaking because we’re peeved with one another.  She’s still been my mum, and I’ve always loved her.  And as I write this I’m struggling to see through the tears that slide down my cheeks.

And I think, what will my dad do.  They’ve been together since 1962 and married since 1963.  53 years married to my mum.  I can already see what my mums pain does to my dad.  If my heart is in pieces how is my dads.

I’m grateful that with all the things that happened in the past between my mum and I, that I’ve made peace with her.  That everytime I fly down to see them, I go lie on the bed beside my mum and hold her while she sleeps.  This woman, who was so big to me, is now tiny and fragile.  I tell her I love her.  When I’m at home, my dad and I talk on the phone everyday and before we hang up he takes the phone through to my mum, holds it beside her ear. And even though she may be sleeping I tell her I love her, that she’s the greatest. And before we hang up I tell my dad I love him and I’m only a phone call away.

Then I go to my bedroom, lie on the bed and cry.

My heart is breaking.  Soon, my world will change and never be the same again.  I will lose one of the greatest loves of my life.   My Mum.

 

Posted in home

A New Toy

min_254593_eac

I recently flew home from seeing my folks in the Cape Town area, on my birthday I might add, and came home to a sparkling, shiny, oh so pretty,  new washing machine.  Yeehaa.  I’m loving it, its soooo quiet.  Unfortunately for my partner, every piece of clothing I see, dirty or not, is making its way into the machine.  My previous machine was temperamental, it would stop in the middle of a load or shake so much I was pretty sure I was going to find cracked tiles underneath it.  I not talking about a wee put baby to sleep shake, this was a gut wrenching, is it damaging the foundations shake.  Trust me, that machine had some very, very, colourful language directed at it, increasing my vocabulary extensively, and sending the dogs to hide under the study desk, too scared to venture back out.

Now, I have one that barely makes a sound during the spin cycle, that gleams and glitters.  No longer are the dogs afraid of me, and strangely enough, even my partner is happier when the washings getting done.

Its now playing a tune which is my cue to empty it. Now to find some more clothing to wash.  Hopefully I won’t have to start raiding the wardrobes for stuff.