Posted in cancer, Grief, happiness, home, hurt, illness, love, mother, peace, Uncategorized

PEACE

peace

Its July 2018. I’m once again in Gordons Bay, I came for down for my dads birthday.

My dad doesn’t smoke.  I’ve never smoked in his flat, I go outside.

When my mum was alive we would go outside together, dad and I helping her, sometimes she’d smoke with me, but during the last months of her life not so much.

So, today I was outside having a smoke, and I remembered the talks we had during those last months.  We spoke a lot about the fact she was dying, and would probably be dead before the end of the year.  We laughed and joked about it.  (we’re a bit of an odd family)  And we would be serious.  We both knew she was right, and during the chats our bond grew stronger than ever.  And I love her, her death didn’t change that.  And I miss her.  God, how I miss her.

I also had chats with my dad when my mum would be full of morphine for the pain.  And we’d chat about the fact she was dying.  He would talk to me about how it made him feel to be losing the only woman he ever loved (My folks were together from 1962 till December 2016) About how he would cope.  But cope he has.  He still misses her dearly, but he gets that his life isn’t over, that now he’s still learning a different way of life.  Thankfully, my dad is very active.  He’s very involved in scouting, goes on tons of camps,  He has his stamps and he loves the internet.

When I look at him out of the corner of my eyes, I can see the sadness that others don’t see, the loneliness of evenings without her.  And we talk about her.  He tells me about their courtship and things that happened when I was too young to remember.  And I’m glad that sharing with me brings him some peace, for a little while.

We need to cherish our parents, our partners, our children and all the other people we love.  Once they’re gone, thats it, it’s too tell them we love them, our time for that is gone.

I wish peace to those who are going through the pain of watching someone they love die. And I send love and peace to those who know they are dying.  You will forever live on in your loved ones memories.

xx

 

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Posted in cancer, home, illness, love, mother

My Mum

 

So in May this year my mum started to get ill.  At first we thought it was IBS (Irritable bowel syndrome).  One night my dad went to his stamp club and got a phone call on the way there.  It was my mum, she told him she was in unbelievable pain (we’re a family that will be in terrible pain before we complain)  My dad shot home and had to take her to emergency.  She ended up on morphine as nothing else would dull the pain.  Meanwhile they discovered a mass in her stomach area.  Long story short, after numerous testing, she has colon cancer.

Fast forward.    She went for an operation to remove the mass.  It seemed to help.  She had almost no pain.  Alas it didn’t last long.  The biopsy showed that the cancer had spread to her liver and lungs.  In the last couple of months she has lost almost 30 kilograms (she was 77kg, now shes 47kg).  This is because she barely eats.  Shes in so much pain, that even the morphine barely helps.  All she does is sleep.

My heart is in pieces.  I can’t imagine a world without my mum.  Even though over the years we’ve had huge fights or gone months without speaking because we’re peeved with one another.  She’s still been my mum, and I’ve always loved her.  And as I write this I’m struggling to see through the tears that slide down my cheeks.

And I think, what will my dad do.  They’ve been together since 1962 and married since 1963.  53 years married to my mum.  I can already see what my mums pain does to my dad.  If my heart is in pieces how is my dads.

I’m grateful that with all the things that happened in the past between my mum and I, that I’ve made peace with her.  That everytime I fly down to see them, I go lie on the bed beside my mum and hold her while she sleeps.  This woman, who was so big to me, is now tiny and fragile.  I tell her I love her.  When I’m at home, my dad and I talk on the phone everyday and before we hang up he takes the phone through to my mum, holds it beside her ear. And even though she may be sleeping I tell her I love her, that she’s the greatest. And before we hang up I tell my dad I love him and I’m only a phone call away.

Then I go to my bedroom, lie on the bed and cry.

My heart is breaking.  Soon, my world will change and never be the same again.  I will lose one of the greatest loves of my life.   My Mum.