Posted in Grief, hurt, love, sister, Uncategorized

Little Sister


Well, Kitty.  The sun is down, evenings well in. The first Christmas, with you no longer in the world, is almost done.  And as a new day nears, I miss you so bad.

Who would have thought, huh, Kitty?  Bet you never ever imagined how broken I would be, how my heart would shatter.  I never realised how deep my love for you ran.

You were the little bratty sister who wanted to follow me everywhere.  I wish you would follow me now.  I want to think, “now what the hell is she up to”.  Never again.

I wish you were still here, even if we never spoke again. Knowing that you were still in the world, would make it worth while.

As Elton John sings –

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it’s done
I hope you don’t mind
I hope you don’t mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you’re in the world

But you’re not in the world

Posted in cancer, Grief, happiness, home, hurt, illness, love, mother, peace, Uncategorized



Its July 2018. I’m once again in Gordons Bay, I came for down for my dads birthday.

My dad doesn’t smoke.  I’ve never smoked in his flat, I go outside.

When my mum was alive we would go outside together, dad and I helping her, sometimes she’d smoke with me, but during the last months of her life not so much.

So, today I was outside having a smoke, and I remembered the talks we had during those last months.  We spoke a lot about the fact she was dying, and would probably be dead before the end of the year.  We laughed and joked about it.  (we’re a bit of an odd family)  And we would be serious.  We both knew she was right, and during the chats our bond grew stronger than ever.  And I love her, her death didn’t change that.  And I miss her.  God, how I miss her.

I also had chats with my dad when my mum would be full of morphine for the pain.  And we’d chat about the fact she was dying.  He would talk to me about how it made him feel to be losing the only woman he ever loved (My folks were together from 1962 till December 2016) About how he would cope.  But cope he has.  He still misses her dearly, but he gets that his life isn’t over, that now he’s still learning a different way of life.  Thankfully, my dad is very active.  He’s very involved in scouting, goes on tons of camps,  He has his stamps and he loves the internet.

When I look at him out of the corner of my eyes, I can see the sadness that others don’t see, the loneliness of evenings without her.  And we talk about her.  He tells me about their courtship and things that happened when I was too young to remember.  And I’m glad that sharing with me brings him some peace, for a little while.

We need to cherish our parents, our partners, our children and all the other people we love.  Once they’re gone, thats it, it’s too tell them we love them, our time for that is gone.

I wish peace to those who are going through the pain of watching someone they love die. And I send love and peace to those who know they are dying.  You will forever live on in your loved ones memories.



Posted in Grief, happiness, hurt, love, mother, Uncategorized

2018 and the pain


And so it’s almost 2018.  Just over a hour to go and it’ll be the 2nd one without you.

It’s been 1 year 10 days since you left.  And I hurt.  I think of you everyday.

And people don’t seem to get it.  “It’s been a year”.  They expect me to be over it.  And that makes it hurt more.  They expect me to be over it because they don’t know how to handle it.  Well heres’ what.  Rest your hand on my shoulder and give me a squeeze.  Give me a cuddle.  Offer me a tissue.  I don’t need words.  I need acknowledgement that no matter how much time passes I can miss her.  That I can sit and cry.  Because I’m being tied in knots by others inability to understand that before 21st December 2016 SHE lived.  That just because she died it doesn’t mean she didn’t exist

I LOST MY MUM DAMMIT.  And it hurts.  And I try to pretend I don’t, because it’s easier for others.  And I’ve had enough.  I no longer care if it makes others uncomfortable.  Big deal.  If you don’t like it, then turn around and walk away.  No longer will I grieve for my Mum in secret.  Like it’s something dirty to be hidden away.

I MISS MY MUM.  I CRY FOR MY MUM.  I ACHE FOR MY MUM.  A piece of my soul died that day.  But guess what.  I have my memories.  I have my photos.  And forever, she will live in me.  And when my time comes, my mum and I will live through my sons and grandchildren.  Through all eternity.

I miss you old lady xx

Posted in hurt, mother

Dad and I


So, I spent 2 weeks with my dad.  Really strange for it to be just the 2 of us.  We had a great time, lots of adventuring.

We spent one of the days in Hermanus.  I’ve never been there.  Its a beautiful town, alas no whales at this time of year.

The drive back to Gordons Bay was wonderful.  Theres a stretch of several kilometres that has Proteas growing wild.  All shades from purple through to pink, and, white, never seen white ones before,  I felt like a child wandering through them, delighting in this wonderment of nature.

And my Dad’s doing well.  We had a small celebration of my mums life on the 31st May.  (It would’ve been their 54th wedding anniversary)  There was masses of laughter and some tears.  I loved listening to my dad talking about him and my mum when they were dating, and then the early years of their marriage.  Wonderful memories, that bring a smile and a tear.