I Wonder

                                                                                                 My youngest son arrives from the UK next Saturday, and on the 14th December him and my 3rd son are heading to Cape Town to spend time with the grandparents.

So I was talking to my dad this morning and he’s saying my mum is declining, he’s lucky if she’ll take 15 mouthfuls of food a day.  And I wonder, is she only hanging on till she sees her grandsons?  Is that what’s keeping her going?  They haven’t seen my youngest since December 2013 and my 3rd since 2012.

And I wonder if I should fly down to my folks the day after the boys leave.  I worry about my dad being alone when she dies.  But at the same time there’s no saying how long she’ll live.

I wonder about how exactly my dad is dealing with this.  My sister and the grandchildren know she has cancer, they just don’t know how serious it is.  My dad and I are alike in that we can put a good face on things.  He’s spoken with me about his fears and that he’s hurting, yet I know that even with me he’ll be holding back.  I don’t know which will hurt more, my mum dying, or my dads grief.

And I wonder, how do other people deal with these feelings.  With what the outcome is going to be.  It doesn’t make it any easier that she’s of an age when natural death can be expected.  (She’s 75)

And, again, I wonder, will I ever stop crying when I think about losing her.